Thursday, December 22, 2016
Christmas Program
Today is my daughter Sophia's Christmas Program. Shes 5 and in kindergarten. As I sit here alone, waiting I hear all the parents around me calling their relatives to see when they will get here, I cant help but to feel sad since I am the only one supporting my little Sophie. My husband feels like its a waste of time and that I am the one who wants him here and not her. Ridiculous! She asked him to come but he prefered to stay home sleeping. All I want is for my little girl to feel loved and supported. I sat right in front. I even got here early to get a front row seat. I cant wait to see her and for her to see me!
I thought so
Here I am 1:32am so tired, ive been crying desperately.... I told him to talk to his boss the same way he talks to me and he refused to. Because its not right!!!
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Purple
I just got this delivered today. This are the types of things that make me reevaluate my feelings...
Tuesday, December 20, 2016
Christmas shopping
Today started out normally as if yesterday didn't happen. I made breakfast (omelets). I tried to minimize the interaction between my husband and I to avoid any altercations. I ate breakfast away from him because I honestly don't know what will set him off. He came looking for me and started talking to me asking when I was going to do the Christmas shopping and of course I felt excited inside but I turned him down I said I didn't want problems. When I don't do what he expects I get blamed and yelled at so I need to watch my own back. He assured me that whatever I bought would be fine as long as I didn't exceed a certain amount per person....
We'll see what happens. I know not to bring my hopes up.
I don't want to seem as if I'm the poor victim because I do fight back but what chances do I have? I fight back so I can at least say that I defended myself.
We'll see what happens. I know not to bring my hopes up.
I don't want to seem as if I'm the poor victim because I do fight back but what chances do I have? I fight back so I can at least say that I defended myself.
To be or not to be
Marriage...
Marriage is nothing like I was hoping. I feel stupid saying this but I am a Pisces and I tend to give 110 percent to anyone. I love helping people. I give my all to make others happy. My husband is an Aries selfish and jealous. In my opinion a marriage should be based on trust and respect, a husband should help his wife whenever she needs it. In my case he doesn't help me and forget about the trust and respect pssh. I know that the perfect marriage doesn't exist. In my world my perfect husband would be one that has blind trust in his wife whom he loves because why wouldn't you trust your wife? His love would be such that he worries about his wife's wellbeing, he worries that she has too much work (stay at home moms have the most work) and helps her whenever he can. My reality is the opposite of my day dreams. What bothers me the most about him is that he turns the smallest insignificant things into a screaming match. Just yesterday while I was washing the dishes he got upset because I turned to look at him (its soo ridiculous) he screamed 'what are you looking at?' 'why did you turn to look at me?' 'you thought I opened a beer that's why you turned didn't you?' (I have a big issue with his drinking) it was not the reason I turned, it was an impulse with no motive. That was 1. Then later he asked if I went to Dell Taco (yes, a week ago after another fight) since he checks the charges made to his credit card. He came to me and leaned against the kitchen island counter where I was cooking and just blew up about not telling him where I'm going and what I'm going to spend on (it was $9.35). I feel like he controls me with money since I don't work and he supports me and our kids. I'm not a therapist or anything but I feel like its a form of control. That was 2. Later that evening he comes to the living room where I was folding clothes and watching tv and asked me if I let the kids turn on the ceiling fan last night and I did (I always admit what I do). He started yelling at me for having the thermostat on high heat and the kids are soo hot that they have to turn on the fan etc etc etc. Regardless of the weather my kids are always hot. My intention was to let them turn on the fan until they fell asleep than I would turn it off but I was so tired that I fell asleep and forgot. I explained this to him but he was so upset that he didn't listen to me and asked me to apologize for having fallen asleep and leaving the fan on. WTF! When ever someone attacks me it makes me feel soo low soo small it makes me very sad but when my husband whom I love and who I feel is the only person who I should trust, it really depresses me to the point of not being able to function. On sunday (day before yesterday) I was driving and there was a therapist on the radio talking about emotional abusers and what the characteristics were and it stuck with me. Last night in my lonely depression I decided to google what an emotional abuser is and this is what is said:
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents‘ marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn’t nag him so much. He wouldn’t get angry if only she would do what she’s supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there’s nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn’t have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality — he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn’t relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he’s angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other — often his mother.
(http://www.abuselaws.com/abuse-laws/characteristics-of-emotional-abusersas.html)
Marriage is nothing like I was hoping. I feel stupid saying this but I am a Pisces and I tend to give 110 percent to anyone. I love helping people. I give my all to make others happy. My husband is an Aries selfish and jealous. In my opinion a marriage should be based on trust and respect, a husband should help his wife whenever she needs it. In my case he doesn't help me and forget about the trust and respect pssh. I know that the perfect marriage doesn't exist. In my world my perfect husband would be one that has blind trust in his wife whom he loves because why wouldn't you trust your wife? His love would be such that he worries about his wife's wellbeing, he worries that she has too much work (stay at home moms have the most work) and helps her whenever he can. My reality is the opposite of my day dreams. What bothers me the most about him is that he turns the smallest insignificant things into a screaming match. Just yesterday while I was washing the dishes he got upset because I turned to look at him (its soo ridiculous) he screamed 'what are you looking at?' 'why did you turn to look at me?' 'you thought I opened a beer that's why you turned didn't you?' (I have a big issue with his drinking) it was not the reason I turned, it was an impulse with no motive. That was 1. Then later he asked if I went to Dell Taco (yes, a week ago after another fight) since he checks the charges made to his credit card. He came to me and leaned against the kitchen island counter where I was cooking and just blew up about not telling him where I'm going and what I'm going to spend on (it was $9.35). I feel like he controls me with money since I don't work and he supports me and our kids. I'm not a therapist or anything but I feel like its a form of control. That was 2. Later that evening he comes to the living room where I was folding clothes and watching tv and asked me if I let the kids turn on the ceiling fan last night and I did (I always admit what I do). He started yelling at me for having the thermostat on high heat and the kids are soo hot that they have to turn on the fan etc etc etc. Regardless of the weather my kids are always hot. My intention was to let them turn on the fan until they fell asleep than I would turn it off but I was so tired that I fell asleep and forgot. I explained this to him but he was so upset that he didn't listen to me and asked me to apologize for having fallen asleep and leaving the fan on. WTF! When ever someone attacks me it makes me feel soo low soo small it makes me very sad but when my husband whom I love and who I feel is the only person who I should trust, it really depresses me to the point of not being able to function. On sunday (day before yesterday) I was driving and there was a therapist on the radio talking about emotional abusers and what the characteristics were and it stuck with me. Last night in my lonely depression I decided to google what an emotional abuser is and this is what is said:
* He was verbally abused as a child, or witnessed it in his own family.
* He has an explosive temper, triggered by minor frustrations and arguments.
* Abusers are extremely possessive and jealous. They experience an intense desire to control their mates.
* His sense of masculinity depends on the woman’s dependency upon him. He feels like a man only if his partner is totally submissive and dependent on him.
* Abusers often have superficial relationships with other people. Their primary, if not exclusive, relationship is with their wife/girlfriend.
* He has low self-esteem.
* He has rigid expectations of marriage (or partnership) and will not compromise. He expects her to behave according to his expectations of what a wife should be like; often the way his parents‘ marriage was, or its opposite. He demands that she change to accommodate his expectations.
* He has a great capacity for self-deception. He projects the blame for his relationship difficulties onto his partner. He would not be drunk if she didn’t nag him so much. He wouldn’t get angry if only she would do what she’s supposed to do. He denies the need for counseling because there’s nothing wrong with him. Or he agrees to get counseling and then avoids it or makes excuses to not follow through. He might not want her to get counseling because, he reasons, she wouldn’t have any problems if she only turned to him.
* He may be described as having a dual personality — he is either charming or exceptionally cruel. He is selfish or generous depending on his mood.
* A major characteristic of abusers is their capacity to deceive others. He can be cool, calm, charming and convincing: a con man.
* The mate is usually a symbol. The abuser doesn’t relate to his partner as a person in her own right, but as a symbol of a significant other. This is especially true when he’s angry. He assumes that she is thinking, feeling, or acting like that significant other — often his mother.
(http://www.abuselaws.com/abuse-laws/characteristics-of-emotional-abusersas.html)
My husband checks out to all the characteristics of an emotional abuser. Now what? Now that I am certain that I am being abused, what do I do!?!?!? I have no money and nowhere to go. I have 4 kids under 7 who love their dad unconditionally. What. Do. I. Do?
About Me
I am 29 years old. I have been married for 11 years. I have 4 children. I am a native southern Californian of Mexican decent. At the age of 18 and fresh out of high school I decided that it was very difficult to live with my parents since my dad was (probably still is) an emotional abuser. I decided that i've had enough and moved to Mexico specifically to Guadalajara. My mom's family is from Jalisco and they live in Guadalajara. I moved in with my aunt which is my mom's older sister. I was happy to be away from my dad. I ran into issues along the way (which I will get into another time). While there, I met my future husband. We got married in 2008 and had babies. I lived there for 8 years and moved back to California in December 2012 going back and forth because of work until May 2013. The first year back in the US was a hard one since we moved back in with my parents. I wanted to run back to Mexico. I feel like I preferred Mexico because its where I started my adult life, where I had my first job, where I got married and where I was independent. It was also very difficult to adapt because I was used to working and taking my kids to daycare (which is free in Mexico for working moms). I had to get used to being a stay at home mom something I had never done before. Three years later (2016) we bought a house and live alone ... finally! My husband's success story is amazing! I guess you can say that now I have gotten used to being a stay at home mom ... kinda.
why start a blog?
Like I said yesterday I used to have a blog in high school (12 years ago btw) and yesterday was a tough day (emotionally) and blogging popped into my head. I said "hey, why don't you open a new blog and use it as an outlet" so here I am...
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